I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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