i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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