Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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