you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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