your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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