There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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