shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
