Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
