I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
