Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
