it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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