I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
