He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
