So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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