If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
This toilet bowl is my home.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
