i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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