We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
