The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
