does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
