I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm both gender and math confused
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
