Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
