I will die if light touches me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
