She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
