Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
