Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
