Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
