Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
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I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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