I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
