i'm signing you up for texting rehab
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
