Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
