I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
