Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
