I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
