i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so let's talk penis.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
