but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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