i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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