I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
