So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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