You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
