So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
