i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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