The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
