One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
