I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
