Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
