Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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