What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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