Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
