How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
