Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
