She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
