Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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