overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
