You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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