I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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