I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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