I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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