now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
