I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
